Rainy Thursday

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."

I went on a long walk today along the streets of Minneapolis. And as I walked I came to what I believed to be the end of things, and I was silent, and I sat there, looking out over the world, just wishing it wouldn't stop. The past couple weeks have been really tough, but the world hasn't stopped. If the world hasn't stopped over this experience, then it won't ever stop.

A feeling of insignificance has come over me because the world just keeps going. My world may have stopped in some regard because of what has been going on with me, but the world around me is full of life. I know my heart will be full of life again one day too. I just wish that one day were today.

Here's to holding my breath for that one day to be tomorrow...

Acceptance

I was compelled to blog after having a conversation with one of my best friends about disappointment. Isn’t love the best, and at the same time the worst? It’s the best for obvious reasons like: butterflies when you hold hands, sweet kisses, long stares, voicemails, flowers, weekend getaways, and companionship. Unfortunately, it can also be the worst. The worst pain I’ve ever felt was because of love. Disappointment is probably the worst thing about love.

When you love someone you have an expectation (both subconscious and conscious), when an expectation isn’t met disappointment occurs. Being disappointed is difficult and often leads to insecurity. For me, insecurity is the worst emotion. I hate feeling insecure; I think everyone does. Since we all have expectations of our loved ones (and these expectations are rarely verbalized) we all experience disappointment and insecurity. Handling disappointment and insecurity maturely is one of the lessons I’m trying to learn.

When I’m disappointment in one of my relationships instead of jumping to the conclusion that it must be me or they must not care for me like I thought they did, I want to learn to accept where the person is coming from. I truly believe everyone has good in them and when you love someone you don’t want to disappoint them. People are where they are and when you truly love someone you have to be willing to meet them where they are. No, not willing, you have to want to meet them where they are. Meeting someone where they are and loving them the good, the bad, and the ugly is ultimately what everyone is looking for.

Handling disappointment is still something I am trying to get a handle on, but I know how to love, and if I know how to love then I am certain it will all work out for the best. Acceptance is a large part of love. If we can love, we can accept.

Love

What five year olds have taught me about love...

• always run to give the person you love a big hug, even if you've only been away from them for a couple hours
• bring flowers on a rainy day just because
• cuddle everyday
• pay attention to the small details (what they're wearing, the tone of their voice when they say something)
• say, "I love you" when you leave them
• be eager to listen the their stories
• make homemade gifts and cards frequently
• play together
• don't be afraid to cry and let someone hold you
• hold hands
• sing silly songs
• admit when you're insecure, feel left out, or just need some encouragement
• don't judge others based on what they wear, how much they weigh, or what they look like
• get excited over the little things
• only say kind things to one another
• schedule "play dates" (or actual dates) and talk about how excited you are about them
• share your lunch
• compromise
• surprises are good things

"It doesn't really matter what color you are or if you're a boy or a girl as long as you are friends and have fun together" -- Kindergarten student

Mornings

I'm falling in love with mornings. I was never a fan of the morning but this morning as I sit here with my laptop, the most recent John Mayer cd playing, and the house completely still (for the time being at least) I am re-considering the general feeling I had about morning.

Speaking of feeling...I am a person driven by my feelings. I don't like how I feel in Petco so I go to PetSmart. Now that I'm admitting that it makes me sound slightly crazy that I let my feelings dictate which stores I frequent. Honestly, I let my feelings dictate almost everything I do. But what happens when I don't "feel" like doing what I should do? Who ultimately decides what I should do? Do I decide that? Does someone else? I love that I am passionate about things and that I follow my heart. But I have a difficult time doing things I don't feel like doing. That's not to imply that I am a lazy a person, I just don't have motivation to do things unless I'm passionate about them. I'm envious of people who can easily do things they don't feel like doing. I'm rambling and it's early so the overall flow and message of this post are probably being thrown by the way side.

John Mayer is a musical genius and his new cd is one my favorite things of 2010. I'm complying a list: "Favorite Things: 2010" since my favorite things are subject to change year to year. Okay, I know you're itching to know what's made my list thus far. I'll self disclose some of the list, the rest of the list can't be revealed until December 2010 when it's completed.

Favorite Things: 2010 (draft)

1. John Mayer Battle Studies album (specifically, "Half of My Heart" and "Edge of Desire"

2. Wednesday night soccer

3. Spring/summer softball

4. Iced soy chai teas

5. All the applications for my phone (specifically the Menstrual Calendar, Starbucks Locator, and Grocery List applications. How can you not love a reminder telling you when you are going to ovulate? A map constantly updating telling me where the nearest Starbucks is -- YES PLEASE! My love of the grocery list application could go without explanation, two of my favorite things: lists and food)

6. Fat Lorenzo's pizza

7. My yellow apron

8. Hosting a spring tea party with kindergartners

Note: my favorite things of 2010 are listed in no particular order and are subject to change.

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let them go. Things go wrong so you appreciate them when they're right. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" --Unknown

Awesome

Today at work while I was working on an art project with some of the kids one of the kindergarten girls said, "Jenna is awesome at crafts". A little 7 year old boy said, "Yeah, Jenna is just awesome". Work always makes me feel better.

Easter Drama

"You looked better as a blonde. Most guys like blonde hair." -- my cousin Josh

I had an emotional Easter to say the least. The icing on the cake was a conversation my cousin Josh and I had with my Mom.

A chai tea and the sunshine is making things better. I'm in repair, I'm figuring it out. My family is crazy but they're mine. No matter what is said or done I love my family with all my heart. No matter what I'm going to stand by my family.

Happy Easter! Eat a peep, because they're amazing :)

Good morning to my two followers! haha I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm kind of a big deal around here! I'm working a 48 hour shift this weekend. There is a new client here this weekend and she is adorable. Possibly the cutest 11 year old Indian girl I've ever seen. She's polite, sweet, and very attentive to everything I do.

This morning I woke up early to make apple turnovers (from scratch of course) and my new client woke up early with me. She helped me make the turnovers from start to finish. While we were filling the pastry dough with apples I realized something...I want this. No, not the apple pastry (I'm resisting and drinking a protein shake) I want to be a Mom. I want to make breakfast on Saturday mornings with my daughter/son.

I love what I do working with the school district and social services but it's taking my Mom instincts for a loop. A kindergarten student asked me, "Who's mom are you?". The thought of planning, conceiving, and being pregnant is actually interesting to me! Needless to say I'm scared out of my mind. It's really strange to be at a place where I'm interested in and sincerely want to start a family. Obviously, other things need to be in order first but at least my maternal desire is going strong!

Taking out the trash

I did it. I got rid of the trashy blonde hair. My hair is just too dark to go blonde. I would need to get it done every 4 weeks. I looked like a hot mess. Fortunately my friends and family were gracious about my temporary insanity. However, they didn't point out to me that I looked like a rock of love girl. Granted Bret Michaels is appealing but there is something about turning on horrible VH1 TV and thinking, "omg she has the same color as me". Long story short, brown is here to stay. No more blonde. No more rock of love. No more Bret Michaels...that's not realistic. I love 80's hair bands too much to give him up.

P.s. The dane duo have new collars and they look beyond adorable.

Starting Over

After realizing the utter mess my last blog turned into, I've decided to start a new blog. Spring is a great time for a fresh start right? Spring cleaning, spring training, and now new spring blogging.

For the record, I'm bothered by how people share their emotions more over the internet then they will in person. Things can be easily misunderstood when you're not directly talking to someone. On that note...if anything I say on here offends you and/or makes you question things in my life please do one of the following:

1. Ask me what I meant by it (probably a good idea to do this in person)

2. Just keep your opinions to yourself

Anyways, I'm starting over. At some point in time everyone needs a "re-do". At work with the kids, I find myself constantly suggesting a "re-do". Wouldn't it be nice if as adults we were more open to "re-do" moments? At the end of the day we're all human and mistakes are natural. I'll be the first to admit I've made my share of mistakes. I however am a firm believer in the "re-do". So this Spring I'm "re-doing". Since I'm a crazy Mom type I'll share my Spring "re-do" list:

1. New blog

2. New workout schedule

3. New softball team

4. New love for using my bike vs. my car

5. New commitment to discovering myself

6. New commitment to not eating cheap dessert. If I'm going to splurge and have the calories it's going to be amazing. No more Hershery's Sunday Pie from Burger King or Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's. If I'm going to eat dessert it's going to be fabulous! Examples include but are not limited to -- chocolate fondue from the Melting Pot or a fruit tart from Lunds.

7. New hair do. I'm getting my hair done tonight! I'm going back to burnette and contemplating a new cut.